Valuable Lessons, Free From Me to You

Dawn dish detergent is the best for getting Vaseline out of hair. Go ahead. Ask me how I know.

Surprisingly, cats do not like being licked by anything other than another cat.

Don't ever tell your child it's time for a nap. Just get them fed, bathroomed, and cozy on the couch, and let nature take its course. They'll never know what hit 'em.

The best toys are usually packing materials.

A white cat, given an entire king-size bed on which to sleep, will always lie on the black pants set out for that day’s work outfit.

Given a choice between vinyl tile and carpet, a sick animal will always throw up on carpet.

A whining, hungry child will wait until you set down her plate to tell you that she’s not hungry anymore, and not one minute sooner.

Along those same lines, a perfectly healthy child will wait until you wash her sheets to have a nosebleed in the middle of the night.

Never, EVER, forget to have a child go potty before she goes to sleep.

Husbands usually feel most romantic just after they’ve mown the lawn but just before they take a shower.

You can make any meal on the planet using cream of mushroom soup.

Husbands should accept and not question the healing powers of chocolate.

Never tell a woman suffering from PMS that her bad mood is “just PMS.” Not if you want to live to see another day, anyway.

Some stickers don’t come off wooden furniture. And you won't find out which ones they are until it's too late.

Pebbles and washing machines don’t mix very well.

You can have a neon sign flashing "Poison Ivy" over a bush in your yard and your husband will still refuse to admit that's what it actually is, because then you'll want him to get rid of it. He'll call it something like a Himalayan Star Plant or St. Agatha's Vine - anything but poison ivy - but don't believe it. It's poison ivy.

To a man, macaroni and cheese IS a vegetable. 'Nuff said.