The Pantyhose Poem

This is an oldie but goodie. In fact, I think it was the first thing I wrote, as far as having a book or memoir in mind. Can you tell what was bothering me that day?


The Pantyhose Poem

I do not like pantyhose, Sam I am.
I do not like them on my leg,
I would not like them on a peg.
I do not like their rips, their runs,
I do not like their tightness ‘cross my buns.
I do not like that tight waistband,
And my hands are white, but my legs are tan?!
Pantyhose should be banished, seen no more!
Hose-covered legs should be thrown out the door!
No more turkey-dance, putting them on!
Nor falling over; pantyhose, be gone!
How’d the crotch get down to my knees?
I cannot walk, but must hop like a flea.
Oh, my ankle has a weird little wrinkle;
Take off that hose, it vanishes in a twinkle!
Oh, me, oh, my, oh, me, oh, my…
My pantyhose woes even trouble my toes!
That “sandlefoot” seam (which, in an ad, is so dainty)
Slides under my toes; I want to scream most un-saintly!
Women of the world, unite against hose!
May the tie that binds be not pantyhose!